steps..

I named this blog "my steps along the way" in the hope that one day I would walk the Way of St James through Spain and trace the footsteps of pilgrims past that walked before me. I was hopeful that getting away from the life I was trapped in would provide more time, more space, more opportunities for new growth and learning..

My steps have faltered..have almost come to a standstill in which going back is not an option and moving ahead is almost an unimaginable terror. The exposure to so many detours and not having the discipline to ignore them has led me astray..led me off the path and my steps have become leaden. To be mired in a world of complete stress and glaring exposure is to think of each day as a burden. There is no peace, no solitude and no shade from the spotlights of those who sit in judgement of each action. To be a flawed, frail and insecure person without the structure to support yourself is a terrible sentence and life itself becomes the prison from which you will never escape. I think often of the ways out..walking away, severing friendships, just taking the plunge once and for all. But I ask myself to what end will any of that serve? We are each truly alone on our own journey and we do truly stand in the end of this life completely naked in the face of creation and in the face of death. To what what end shall I hope for? For what shall I be remembered? To either of those I ask does it really matter?

I was raised by my parents, but never really taught by them. I think that's because they really never knew how to. They lived their lives by rote and hoped we would all grow up and somehow, by some miracle, turn out to be something good. I guess I learned some things, but some essentials were left as open wounds, never to be healed.

As I now stand, naked and exposed, I want to strip away the rest of the burdens, remove the ties and walk away from the boundaries that surround me. I am trying to break the cycle of my addictions, alter my repeating behaviors and wipe the canvas of my life clean, ready for a fresh portrait, an unknown landscape, an unseen sunrise..and then maybe, a miracle will place me back on the path walking after the pilgrims before me..

..a few thoughts.

..as I sit here, wrapped again in projects and work, a friend thru-hiked the Pacific Crest Trail..on impulse seemingly. She's did it with a man she hardly knew, with few skills and at great risk to her physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being. Along the PCT they married..they visited a few days ago and we shared a meal and stories. I was both encouraged and saddened by the conversation..knowing I have again, placed myself in situations I neither want nor need in my life. I am mired in the muck of this reality I've created once again..and I am abusing myself both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally..with great risk..the very thing she flew into the face of..and succeeded. I don't what drove her but there was a button pushed at some point..

I wonder were that button is..

I am remain hopeful that the fog clears and I can plan the path ahead more clearly..but one thing is clear, stop doing what I'm doing, stop going down this destructive road..for God's sake, stop.

I have agreed to an exhibit scheduled for December..I've titled it "wearing my emotions.."
Seems fitting..

..imminent..the feeling.

how to describe a desire so deep, so profound it takes a great part of your waking consciousness..
is this a question? not only a need for solitude of spirit but an escape from it as well.. confusing, yes.
I feel each day I'm on the Way..in small measures of how I think, how I act towards others, how I approach each moment, each collective day.
I feel my spirit is starting to soar, recover and embrace life again..as an emergence from a dark tunnel and the light is blindingly deadly, exposing every corner and crevice, leaving no shadow lingering.

I've told many the story of my brother, Darrel, who's time in this World passed on June 24th, 2011. I spoke of my words of him at his Memorial, of his exploration, his inquisitiveness, his fierce desire of learning and his deep love of this Earth.

"He turned over almost every stone, but the ones he left, he left for us"...

I hope you turn over the stones before your feet, and I hope to turn over mine..each day..

..credencial

..el peregrino credencial is in hand..the Pilgrim's Passport.
as the days pass and I work through the steps of the journey I've begun, I find that there is one unmistakable truth: patience is a virtue but that doesn't mean it's easy to bear. starting out on my own in my work while trying to find the ways and means to begin the Pilgrimage has been no simple task, but patience, that unmistakable truth, can and will win out..

 

 

..time to turn over stones.

https://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF8&t=h&oe=UTF8&msa=0&msid=105090530012700804863.00046b707bbc6e261381e

the map I hope to follow..somewhat..

my steps along the way..

a dream has been to walk the path of my life in a manner fitting of the gift I've been given. to learn all that I can and to experience the world around me and to enjoy life's lessons. so many years have passed me by and many times I thought the dream had left me..that it had lost patience with my indecision, my lack of will..my weakness.

well here's to the start of my steps along the way..it begins..

I hope the story is worth it.