steps..

I named this blog "my steps along the way" in the hope that one day I would walk the Way of St James through Spain and trace the footsteps of pilgrims past that walked before me. I was hopeful that getting away from the life I was trapped in would provide more time, more space, more opportunities for new growth and learning..

My steps have faltered..have almost come to a standstill in which going back is not an option and moving ahead is almost an unimaginable terror. The exposure to so many detours and not having the discipline to ignore them has led me astray..led me off the path and my steps have become leaden. To be mired in a world of complete stress and glaring exposure is to think of each day as a burden. There is no peace, no solitude and no shade from the spotlights of those who sit in judgement of each action. To be a flawed, frail and insecure person without the structure to support yourself is a terrible sentence and life itself becomes the prison from which you will never escape. I think often of the ways out..walking away, severing friendships, just taking the plunge once and for all. But I ask myself to what end will any of that serve? We are each truly alone on our own journey and we do truly stand in the end of this life completely naked in the face of creation and in the face of death. To what what end shall I hope for? For what shall I be remembered? To either of those I ask does it really matter?

I was raised by my parents, but never really taught by them. I think that's because they really never knew how to. They lived their lives by rote and hoped we would all grow up and somehow, by some miracle, turn out to be something good. I guess I learned some things, but some essentials were left as open wounds, never to be healed.

As I now stand, naked and exposed, I want to strip away the rest of the burdens, remove the ties and walk away from the boundaries that surround me. I am trying to break the cycle of my addictions, alter my repeating behaviors and wipe the canvas of my life clean, ready for a fresh portrait, an unknown landscape, an unseen sunrise..and then maybe, a miracle will place me back on the path walking after the pilgrims before me..